Melt down

I think I had been coasting, since the diagnosis I mean. Two weeks of distractions with Christmas and family. Eating, drinking and attempting to be merry.


And then the crippling anxiety that I had suffered from in the past returned.......I now realise that before, this anxiety that I had overcome was around a completely irrational and self fabricated fear.


New Years Day is typically a pretty depressing day, unless you're not nursing a hangover .....I sat on the sofa all day, ploughed through film after film on the tele, in a bit of a daze. We should have arranged to do something, a walk or a lunch or something. Liam stayed in bed and the boys in their rooms playing on their new gadgets.......it was a lonely old dreary day. Great start to 2016!


We limped through the weekend, I stopped eating, started feeling restless at night and found myself making a bed up on the sofa most nights around 2am to avoid disturbing Liam. Monday I took myself to the Dr to get back on the antidepressants I'd successfully weaned myself off two years prior. Knowing I had a stiff ten days or so ahead as my body adjusted to the drug, but very glad to be able to actually do something to help my mind.


That feeling of being trapped, not being able to escape is how I felt. I felt trapped in my mind which was already starting to race ahead.......the op wouldn't work, The cancer was detected in my sentinel lymph node after a microbubble biopsy, so we already know that I have to have all my nodes removed. My mind had decided that I was going to die, that it had spread beyond already...... And that was agony.


By Friday of that week I was almost unable to function at all. An emergency appointment with the Dr and my lovely Mum was a revelation. Having my fears validated even if not quelled as such helped hugely. My GP had read through my notes briefly before she'd called me in. She agreed that I needed something else to get me though the next week, to the op. Without me having to ask........I was sobbing hard most of the appointment, Mum speaking for me (who'd think at 41 you'd need to take your mum to the Drs with you?) she offered me valium and sleeping pills.......to take as and when.


To date I've only used one valium, but I am making the most of the sleeping pills. Something about waking up in your own bed after a reasonable amount of kip makes it easier to face whatever the day throws at you.


I go in on Friday, unless there is some hideous problem with an over booked list for the surgeon. I'm looking forward to it.......in as much as its the start, the start of getting better.


x